I used to be the queen of being alone. In fact, I had no problem and often preferred the company of myself to others. I could go out for the day to the park, or the beach, or the mall and be perfectly fine. I would have a great time.
Now, I find, I am lonely when I am alone. I actually prefer the company of others. I like being able to talk to other people and spend time listening to others. I actually have a hard time dealing with being alone. My aversion to being alone has most manifested itself on Twitter, which has become an outlet for me to talk to someone, anyone…
I also have a terrible habit of automatically thinking people are blowing me off when they have other plans – like they’re making excuses. I guess I’ve had a lot of people do that to me in the past, but it really doesn’t happen often now. Even so, I find that thought is the first place my mind goes. It drives me mad, because I can’t stop that feeling, hard as I try. I just end up feeling dejected and hurt – all at my own fault.
The majority of my days off are spent alone. Dave sleeps throughout the day, and Drew is at work. I sit in front of the computer, looking for some conversation, some interaction to keep me from feeling like I have such a terrifying personality that people don’t want me around. Today is a fine example. It is butthorn hot out there, and I want to go swimming, but it’s like I’m afraid to go alone. Instead, I spent my time researching stuff on schools and surfing the net, feeling like crap because I cannot motivate myself to leave the apartment. The apartment is safe.
I have been enochlophobic for most of my life. I avoid live music, usually, because of all the people. I don’t do bars. It is hard for me to attend events and festivals because of all the people. It makes me anxious and fearful and angry. I want to do all of those things, but I just… can’t. I actually dislike the thought of going to a university with large class sizes because of the idea of all those hundreds of people crammed into a room. Ugh.
And my social life suffers.
All I need to do today is leave the house. I need to shower and go to the library to return books. As much as I would love to go to the beach, I don’t drive and lack a vehicle. No buses go to the beach. I could walk from the end of Cow Bay Rd to Rainbow Haven, but it’d take about an hour, and there are no sidewalks.
I’ll go to the pool tonight with Drew and Dave. It’s an adult only swim, not too many people.
But for now, I just need to force myself to leave the house.
