I’ve got the winter blues.
- I feel like a useless tool. I feel like I can’t do anything, and if I try, I will fail utterly.
- It’s cold and gross and I don’t want to go outside.
- I don’t feel like I have the capacity to be creative – I’m too tired to do anything. Everything is a chore, and this lack of doing anything is killing me.
- I am lonely. I mean, I live with two people, and that’s fantastic, but they don’t fill the void I have. I never see any of my (admittedly few) friends for longer than an hour every few weeks (if that at all), and the majority of my good friends live hundreds of miles away. I don’t really feel like I have anyone I can confide in, or just hang out with. Most of the time, I come home and mope around because I don’t know what else to do. I feel like every time I try and make an effort, something falls through or people cancel or whatever, and it is SO rare that anyone ever contacts me to do something without me talking to them first.
I think the loneliness is the worst. I feel isolated. The most social interaction I get is through work, so I spend all of my time either working, or at home watching TV. Last night, I had a bit of an emotional breakdown because I am not used to this and I am finding it extremely hard to cope. I find it really hard to make new friends because I am a strong personality and people are usually turned off by people like me. I’m quirky and weird and people aren’t usually fans of that kind of stuff.
So I’ve been sitting here, bawling over something I don’t feel I have the capacity to change. If being lonely is what the rest of my life is like, I don’t want to live. I kind of feel like I’m starting to go a little crazy, and I don’t know what else to do.
So I guess I am reaching out. The majority of my friends are online – I am asking you to please check in on me. If I go off the radar, please check in with me. It’s taking all I have in me not to retreat into this sadness that is choking and drowning me. If I can’t count on real, human-to-human interaction, I always have pixels.
