I am so so tired of the bullshit that people state as fact.

I am also tired of hearing people’s opinions on others bodies. It’s summer, it’s hot. People wear less clothes in the summer. If you can’t deal with it, don’t leave the house. EVERYONE deserves to wear a tank top (or a dress, or a bathing suit), no matter what their weight. Being all ‘eww, fat people. they should wear burqas because they are so disgusting’ makes one a judgmental twat, no matter how you slice it. I’m not a fan of seeing tiny, twig-like people struggling to walk due to lack of muscle mass, but I don’t comment on it constantly.

Why do we allow people to say the things they do, and not speak up? Prejudice is prejudice – whether you’re slagging a fat person or an asian person. Making judgments about how someone looks as opposed to their actions is unfair. Automatically assuming a fat person is a lazy binge eater with no motivation is the same as assuming a skinny person is a anorexic, self absorbed bulimic. Neither is a fair judgment call, yet this shit flies all the time.

I will allow Joy Nash to educate you (again, dear internet, since apparently you didn’t listen the first time).

Here endeth the lesson.

- I feel like a useless tool. I feel like I can’t do anything, and if I try, I will fail utterly.

- It’s cold and gross and I don’t want to go outside.

- I don’t feel like I have the capacity to be creative – I’m too tired to do anything. Everything is a chore, and this lack of doing anything is killing me.

- I am lonely. I mean, I live with two people, and that’s fantastic, but they don’t fill the void I have. I never see any of my (admittedly few) friends for longer than an hour every few weeks (if that at all), and the majority of my good friends live hundreds of miles away. I don’t really feel like I have anyone I can confide in, or just hang out with. Most of the time, I come home and mope around because I don’t know what else to do. I feel like every time I try and make an effort, something falls through or people cancel or whatever, and it is SO rare that anyone ever contacts me to do something without me talking to them first.

I think the loneliness is the worst. I feel isolated. The most social interaction I get is through work, so I spend all of my time either working, or at home watching TV. Last night, I had a bit of an emotional breakdown because I am not used to this and I am finding it extremely hard to cope. I find it really hard to make new friends because I am a strong personality and people are usually turned off by people like me. I’m quirky and weird and people aren’t usually fans of that kind of stuff.

So I’ve been sitting here, bawling over something I don’t feel I have the capacity to change. If being lonely is what the rest of my life is like, I don’t want to live. I kind of feel like I’m starting to go a little crazy, and I don’t know what else to do.

So I guess I am reaching out. The majority of my friends are online – I am asking you to please check in on me. If I go off the radar, please check in with me. It’s taking all I have in me not to retreat into this sadness that is choking and drowning me. If I can’t count on real, human-to-human interaction, I always have pixels.

I remember, as a kid, never enjoying the Olympics. I always liked watching sports on TV (hockey, figure skating, and baseball in particular), but I always thought the Olympics were boring. As I’ve grown older, I have noticed massive inequalities in the games, and that they are far more commercial than they are presented. Don’t get me wrong; I think the athletes are massively talented and deserving of praise, but I personally feel that the Olympics need a huge overhaul before I can begin to respect them. I am not often the person to take such a hugely leftist viewpoint, but I really think it’s called for in this instance. Here are a few reasons why I dislike the Olympics so much:

1. The ‘transient cleansing’ – basically, shipping the homeless out of Vancouver to make it ‘someone else’s problem’ – instead of using the money they’re raping the taxpayers for to fix the poverty issue in Vancouver. They could, instead, put many programs into effect to get these people off the streets into safer surroundings and educate them so they can get back into the working world.

2. The money – it’s a waste of money that is going to end up coming out of taxpayer’s pockets. It took Montreal 30 years to pay back it’s Olympic debt – money that could have been used for social programs, addictions programs, welfare rehauling, etc. Vancouverites are going to be stuck paying more money over the next however many years it takes to pay this back, making it even more expensive to live in. Also, nobody is responsible for reporting to the public on the overall cost of the Games. There are guesses at around 3 billion. 3 BILLION. With 3 billion, a cheque for $100 could be issued to every person living in Canada. It would be enough to improve every post-secondary school in the country.

3. They’re racist – Let’s face it, the Olympics are as white as the snow they’re played on. They exist to congratulate white people on being so awesome at sports. The Games were set up by elite Europeans and built on their popular sports. This gives no mention to the racism between teams or countries.

4. They’re political – The games have been used since their inception as weapons of power and prestige. The US boycotted the 1980 Moscow Games to protest the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan. The Soviets boycotted the 1984 Los Angeles Games to hit back at the previous protest. The 1936 Berlin Games were used by the Nazi regime to promote it’s beliefs and build it’s power. Politics are used to determine who can even participate in the stupid things. Here is a list of the stupid political IOC shit.

5. They’re sexist – Men still more than dominate the Olympics, by a long shot. It’s 2010, assholes. Get with the program. In the 2006 Torino Olympics, there were 2,508 athletes: 1,548 men; 960 women.

and finally:

6. They are ecologically harmful – think about it – thousands (millions, even) of people all flying and driving to one place, and then overcrowding said place; making cars idle longer, creating more garbage and littering, wasting more food, etc.

So no, I won’t be watching the Olympics. I don’t agree with the current Vancouver riots – I think there are more peaceful ways to protest – but I don’t agree with the games. They’re just that – games.

2001 – Enrolled in university and continued to work full time. Went to my first pagan ritual. Started treatment for depression. Moved into my now stepfather’s basement with Dave. Started Deadjournalling.

2002 – Dropped out of UPEI. Was crazy on pills. Started LJ. Moved in with Andrew F and his nutso gf Sharon. Sharon left 2 weeks into the lease, cause a spiral of annoyance and bitterness that would last for months until Andrew moved to Ottawa. Les moved in. Started hanging out with Kelly a bunch.

2003 – My friend Chris killed himself. Still crazy on pills for awhile, until weaning myself off in November. Applied and was accepted to Kings. Met Scott and Nadya. Had a falling out with Steve. Sister had a stroke, moved to Halifax. Moved in with Shamus and Lesley for 4 months. Moved to Main Ave. Started hanging out with Brian and his assorted posse. 2003 sucked.

2004 – Shamus and Lesley stop talking to us. Endured crazy neighbors (crazy asshole downstairs, crack addicts in the hallways, dudes with guns in our parking lot) and an apartment building fire. Met Nathalie. Visited Ottawa for the first (and so far, last) time. Decided after the fire to move out. Had a falling out with Brian.

2005 – Get first digital camera. Moved to Shaunslieve. Went on stress leave and subsequently quit Minass. Started hanging out with Ken and Chris. Patched things up with Steve and with Brian. Steve and Cathy moved to Shaunslieve from PEI. Had a weird February, March, and April. Andrew F came to visit in June. Met Drew. Spent summer in a depressive hole. Hated life. Stopped hating life in October. Join ONSD Had a Nathalie on my couch for 3 weeks after her jaunt to Kentucky. Visited Jordan in Fredericton. Start hardcore roleplaying every sunday. Big year.

2006 – Drew moved in with Dave and I, in a bigger apt in Shaunslieve. Decide to go to school, but have to apply the next year. Larissa and Katy visit from Vancouver. Introduced to Awesometown. Quit ONSD due to spectacular bullshit. Meet Sean, after lamenting lack of tallness in life. Attend first PEI Pagan Gathering.

2007 – Make NYE resolution that changes my life. HUGE falling out with Brian. CUT THAT BITCH SO FAST.Apply to school. Get rejected, Swallow sadness. Reapply. Get accepted. Move to Dartmouth. Attend school (with Brian, unfortunately). Stop talking to Chris – grown apart. Star working at Little Mysteries. Meet Amy. Start NSPA. Meet Chuck.

2008 – Continue school. Visit Montreal for the first time. Fall in love with Montreal. Have torrid affair with Montreal (after being ditched for 5 days by the friends I had come with). Leave heartbroken. Attend PEI Pagan Gathering again (with Amy in tow). Seriously consider move to Montreal.

2009 – Say goodbye to Steve and Cathy and Chuck and Sean, who all moved away because they suck. Get to meet Seth before they leave. Graduate school. Remove Scott from my life due to extreme douchecanoeness on his part. Attend another PEI Pagan Gathering (Amy and Elizabeth in tow). Meet Heather. Introduce Heather to Amy. Apply for NSCAD. Get sort of accepted. Figure stuff out, kinda. Lament lack of social life.

2010 – Start NSCAD. Fight for funding. Win lottery. Become superhero. Take over the world and become (mostly) benevolent dictator.

And there we have it.

School is on the fulcrum – it could go either way at this point, and for someone who needs to have control, this is a frightening concept. I hate the waiting, and I hate putting effort into things if I don’t know if I can finish it. But right now, I am trying not to think about those types of things. I am trying to focus on things that I have control over and can finish.

Without spreading myself too thin.

See, now, that’s the catch: how does one commit to doing many things they know they can complete without sacrificing time for themselves and their family? It’s difficult.

But away with the rambling. I want to talk about the things I can control.

I am currently working on two classes – as in, I’m teaching them. I want to have my notes and structure done before the end of the month, so that I can spend the next few months going back and making adjustments if I need to to. It’s a lot of research and planning and pacing (as I tend to talk quickly). I am teaching one on creating personal ritual for groups or solitaries (based on my own system) and one on the wheel of the year (myths, traditions, origins, and activities). I am hoping that working on both of these will help bring more spiritual depth back into my life. My adventure last year was wonderful, but it was exhausting and I don’t even know where to begin my own practice again. I really need to make it a priority, because I know that it can become put on the back burner when it comes to school and life. I need to learn to practice for myself again, with my own rules and my own thoughts – as opposed to a more structured system. I’m pretty organized, and I can pinpoint my own beliefs, it’s just drawing them back out again. I’ve had an itch to get working again.

I also have to set some realistic goals for myself for the next year (and I hesitate to say ‘year’, because it surely could go on longer, or be shorter). I like having things to work towards, and I think it’s important so I can keep some sort of focus to guide me. I shall break them down, one by one.

1. Let go. There are a lot of hurts I am carrying – be it about being at NSCC and shaved from people’s lives, or removing betrayers from my life, or even having zero social life because not one other person I know is capable of picking up a phone or dropping a mail to see if perhaps I would like to hang out (not that I expect people to drop everything – I’m not a moron. I am, however, the one who always does the calling to make plans, and I have been since high school. Just because I am good at organizing people together doesn’t mean I like it…). I hang on to these things for dear life, as though they were oars in my lifeboat. They aren’t. I have to accept certain facts of life; some people are far too immature to have lasting relationships, some people are toxic, and some people don’t realize they are shunting you aside. I have to learn to let these things go so that I can move on as a person. If I learn to stop dragging along the past, I will draw people to me who are willing to go the extra mile and be friends, without all the extra drama bullshit.

2. Take more photos. This is a necessity. I have a diploma from an accredited school and I am doing nothing with it. I got really burnt out when I was in school, so I didn’t want to think about my camera (or assignments or grades) for awhile. I think it’s pure fear (what if my skills are gone? what if I suck and I wasted a bunch of cash?) coupled with the fact that I don’t hang out with people or go out anymore. Where do I go to take photos? How many pictures of my cats do I really need? I just need to find the confidence to do this again and just not care.

3. Wii Fit. Critics will slam it and say it’s useless, but I lost 5 lbs in about a month using it. It gave me routine and got me active, even if it was just step aerobics, hula hooping, and yoga. I set it aside during the summer when I thought I would be more active, but I ended up pretty much losing most of my social connections, and spent most of the summer at work or inside (2009 really sucked, okay?). I want to start using it again daily, and though I am getting exercise walking to Pier 21 3 days a week, I’d like to feel less schlumpy and more alive.

4. Couch to 5K. It is my goal to do this when it starts getting warm enough to do it (so, mid-late April). I started it, and then I pulled my back and never continued (unrelated. It also started snowing, so that was it for me). It’s really to say that I did it, and to build up my lung capacity.

5. Remain myself, and reassure myself that I am, in fact, pretty awesome once you get to know me (and get past that initial awkwardness and shyness). I’m weird. I just am. I’m weirdly introverted, but I love the company of people. I say awkward things (mostly due to not knowing what to say and having a hard time realizing that not everyone is as geeky as me and may not get my jokes), but I am pretty neat once you get to know me.

6. Get another tattoo. Please.

7. Write more. I need to do more writing – be it blogging, free writing, journaling, or fiction.

8. Give every pagan holiday a proper celebration. We are often so tempted to let stuff slide on the wayside. I want ti participate or do a ritual for every holiday this year. I think it will help me get on track.

And so I leave on those thoughts. I have some writing to do for my (teaching) classes, and I have school errands to do tomorrow before my school class.

The good:

- I completed post-secondary education.
- I am (probably) going back to school
- Everyone stayed relatively healthy and in one piece

The bad:

- had to remove a few people from my life. One was pretty easy. The other really hard. Both were for the best.
- my health wasn’t the greatest
- school is conditional acceptance, meaning that I have to prove myself.
- student loan is not finalized yet.
- the majority of my friends have either moved away or become distant so I spend a lot of time lonely because no one knows how to COMMUNICATE.

A pretty meh year. The goods were really good, the bads were pretty bad.

Today is a full moon, a blue moon, and a partial eclipse. The full moon is usually significant of things coming together, coming to fruition. I hope that this means that things are going to look up for next year. It’s a new decade, and what a world of difference 10 years makes.

10 years ago, I was still in high school.

How things have changed.

Onward to 2010.

Do we have a functional government? Clean water? Well, we’re doing better than the entire population of Somalia, who has been without a functional government for about 15 years. And I don’t mean like, their elections suck and by some fuck up they elected Stephen Harper. Twice. I mean NO GOVERNMENT TO SPEAK OF. Gangs running the city. Looting, raping, and constant murder. You cannot go into the country (as a white westerner) without armed Ethiopian escort, and even then, there is a very good chance that you will be shot for money, food, whatever. You need to wear a bulletproof vest and independent travel is considered suicidal. This is the most lawless city on Earth, a place that even East Vancouver or the dregs of Toronto doesn’t compare to.

Women can go to school. Awesome. In most places in Afghanistan, that is still a rarity. Are you required, by law, to wear a burka here? As a woman, I enjoy having right and freedoms, like voting and wearing pants. And don’t get me wrong, I have high respect for Islam. I just don’t like the idea of women being treated as cattle or something to be owned. Also, the majority of Afghanistan is a war zone. Not necessarily because of foreign occupation (but, to be fair, that has had a detrimental effect), but it has been involved in a civil war since the late 1970′s. The Soviet (remember them?) invasion didn’t really help things. The topple of the Taliban government in 2001 led by the US just served to cause even more problems.

And hey, gay folks? You can marry here. Visit Sana’a, and you’ll likely be stoned or hung to death. Homosexuality is punishable by death. In fact, homosexuality is illegal in the following countries: Algeria, Libya, Egypt, Morocco, The Gambia, Sudan, Tunisia, Guinea, Liberia, Mauritania, Senegal, Sierra Leone, Nigeria, Togo, Cameroon, Angola, São Tomé and Príncipe, Burundi, Comoros, Djibouti, Eritrea, Ethiopia, Mauritius, Somalia, Uganda, Tanzania, Zambia, Zimbabwe, Seychelles, Namibia, Botswana, Lesotho, Swaziland, Belize, Antigua and Barbuda, Barbados, Dominica, Jamaica, Saint Kitts and Nevis, Saint Vincent and the Grenadines, Trinidad and Tobago, St Lucia, Guyana, Palastine Turkmenistan, Iran, Uzbekistan, Bahrain, Kuwait, Lebanon, Oman, Yemen, Qatar, Saudi Arabia, UAE, Bhutan, Afghanistan, Bangladesh, Iran, Maldives, Pakistan, Sri Lanka, North Korea, Brunei, Malaysia, Myanmar, Singapore, Papua New Guinea, Fiji, Solomon Islands, Kiribati, Nauru, Cook Islands, Samoa, Tonga, and Tuvalu. Most of those places, the penalty is a monetary fine or jail time. However in Yemen, Mauritania, Sudan, Saudi Arabia, UAE, and Iran the penalty is death. That’s legal – not including the abuse you will likely suffer if you are revealed to be gay to the general populace.

Yes, the government has kinks. For one, the Conservative party. Stephen Harper. Our environmental policy could be leagues better, and we need to get our fucking armies our of other countries. Yes, Canada has done some things that no Canadian should be proud of (ie, the mining and displacement of people in Guatamala, the war in Afghanistan, etc). But that by far does not represent the majority of Canada or Canadians. Most of Canada does not want to fight a war. Most Canadians are moral, conscious people who want Canada to be seen as a place of beauty, freedom, pride. I am not going to subscribe to some ‘white person guilt’ because of the happenstance of where I was born. I could have just as easily been born a poor street child in Nairobi. I feel blessed that I grew up with food on the table and a roof over my head. I got to go to school and be educated. I have the option to go to post secondary as many times as I like (provided I have the funds).

Try and fight for the things you believe in, and try and change policy for things you care about. Peaceful protest and talking to the MPs is a good start. Hell, voting is a good start. Sitting back and bitching, complaining that Canada sucks is not progressive or in any way helpful. If you don’t like it, leave. We don’t want you anyway.

I despise people who think communism is the be all and end all and are using it as a way to be ~edgy as fuck~, but don’t know much beyond what they’ve read in their ‘manifestos’. They are incredibly sheltered, and often do not practice what they preach. Nine times outta ten, they have never encountered fascism or oppression in their lives.

Because communism is working so well for North Korea, am I right?

I just removed about 10 or 12 people on Facebook that, for whatever reason, I had on my list. Either classmates I never spoke to or hung out with, or classmates that decided that I wasn’t worth their time (which is fine), or people I met a few times who added me. It’s odd to look at the ebb and flow of people in my life. The folks that are in, and then out again, like a boat with the tides. People who choose prestige and status over friendship.

I’ve been more crafty lately – making little bits and bobs. I keep my hands and brain busy while I wait for my answer from NSCAD so that I don’t think too much into it. I’m trying to only think positive thoughts (and now is the good time to laugh, because I am hopelessly negative), which is a challenge in itself.

I’ve also been more clumsy lately. I’ve hurt my ankle numerous times, pulled my back and chest once, and (the most recent offense) dropped a hot pyrex dish full of bread pudding on to myself (piping out of the oven, folks) – resulting in first and second degree burns on one leg and multiple bruises on my pelvis which are just starting to bloom. Yes, I said the pelvis. I can’t catch worth shit with my hands, but throw it to my crotch and the bitch is jumping to catch it.

Does that make me a slut?

Anyway.

I’m trying to shed old habits, old friends, and things that no longer hold meaning for me.

So here I am, at 2:30am, shedding my skin.

I’ve applied to school, and am trying to remain positive. I am trying to attract positive things into my life. Things get hard, and I get angry – and I cannot do that anymore.

4 times in the last week I have pulled the same card from my tarot deck – release. I am trying to figure out if I need to release that anger, to release something else, or to be released. At times I really feel something clouding my judgement and mind, but I try to push past it to get to the clarity I know is hidden in there.

I am trying to plan something fun coming up, because I feel if I don’t hang out with someone I don’t live with, I am going to go mad. I get discouraged, mostly, because I am finding more and more that people are unreliable and just … different than I expected. It really disappoints me, because I want to see the best in people, but it’s hard when people let you down. Maybe I just need an injection of new people or ideas into my life.

I feel the need to be inspired.

Now, I find, I am lonely when I am alone. I actually prefer the company of others. I like being able to talk to other people and spend time listening to others. I actually have a hard time dealing with being alone. My aversion to being alone has most manifested itself on Twitter, which has become an outlet for me to talk to someone, anyone…

I also have a terrible habit of automatically thinking people are blowing me off when they have other plans – like they’re making excuses. I guess I’ve had a lot of people do that to me in the past, but it really doesn’t happen often now. Even so, I find that thought is the first place my mind goes. It drives me mad, because I can’t stop that feeling, hard as I try. I just end up feeling dejected and hurt – all at my own fault.

The majority of my days off are spent alone. Dave sleeps throughout the day, and Drew is at work. I sit in front of the computer, looking for some conversation, some interaction to keep me from feeling like I have such a terrifying personality that people don’t want me around. Today is a fine example. It is butthorn hot out there, and I want to go swimming, but it’s like I’m afraid to go alone. Instead, I spent my time researching stuff on schools and surfing the net, feeling like crap because I cannot motivate myself to leave the apartment. The apartment is safe.

I have been enochlophobic for most of my life. I avoid live music, usually, because of all the people. I don’t do bars. It is hard for me to attend events and festivals because of all the people. It makes me anxious and fearful and angry. I want to do all of those things, but I just… can’t. I actually dislike the thought of going to a university with large class sizes because of the idea of all those hundreds of people crammed into a room. Ugh.

And my social life suffers.

All I need to do today is leave the house. I need to shower and go to the library to return books. As much as I would love to go to the beach, I don’t drive and lack a vehicle. No buses go to the beach. I could walk from the end of Cow Bay Rd to Rainbow Haven, but it’d take about an hour, and there are no sidewalks.

I’ll go to the pool tonight with Drew and Dave. It’s an adult only swim, not too many people.

But for now, I just need to force myself to leave the house.