I am sick and tired of Canadians talking about how shitty life is here.

Do we have a functional government? Clean water? Well, we’re doing better than the entire population of Somalia, who has been without a functional government for about 15 years. And I don’t mean like, their elections suck and by some fuck up they elected Stephen Harper. Twice. I mean NO GOVERNMENT TO SPEAK OF. Gangs running the city. Looting, raping, and constant murder. You cannot go into the country (as a white westerner) without armed Ethiopian escort, and even then, there is a very good chance that you will be shot for money, food, whatever. You need to wear a bulletproof vest and independent travel is considered suicidal. This is the most lawless city on Earth, a place that even East Vancouver or the dregs of Toronto doesn’t compare to.

Women can go to school. Awesome. In most places in Afghanistan, that is still a rarity. Are you required, by law, to wear a burka here? As a woman, I enjoy having right and freedoms, like voting and wearing pants. And don’t get me wrong, I have high respect for Islam. I just don’t like the idea of women being treated as cattle or something to be owned. Also, the majority of Afghanistan is a war zone. Not necessarily because of foreign occupation (but, to be fair, that has had a detrimental effect), but it has been involved in a civil war since the late 1970’s. The Soviet (remember them?) invasion didn’t really help things. The topple of the Taliban government in 2001 led by the US just served to cause even more problems.

And hey, gay folks? You can marry here. Visit Sana’a, and you’ll likely be stoned or hung to death. Homosexuality is punishable by death. In fact, homosexuality is illegal in the following countries: Algeria, Libya, Egypt, Morocco, The Gambia, Sudan, Tunisia, Guinea, Liberia, Mauritania, Senegal, Sierra Leone, Nigeria, Togo, Cameroon, Angola, São Tomé and Príncipe, Burundi, Comoros, Djibouti, Eritrea, Ethiopia, Mauritius, Somalia, Uganda, Tanzania, Zambia, Zimbabwe, Seychelles, Namibia, Botswana, Lesotho, Swaziland, Belize, Antigua and Barbuda, Barbados, Dominica, Jamaica, Saint Kitts and Nevis, Saint Vincent and the Grenadines, Trinidad and Tobago, St Lucia, Guyana, Palastine Turkmenistan, Iran, Uzbekistan, Bahrain, Kuwait, Lebanon, Oman, Yemen, Qatar, Saudi Arabia, UAE, Bhutan, Afghanistan, Bangladesh, Iran, Maldives, Pakistan, Sri Lanka, North Korea, Brunei, Malaysia, Myanmar, Singapore, Papua New Guinea, Fiji, Solomon Islands, Kiribati, Nauru, Cook Islands, Samoa, Tonga, and Tuvalu. Most of those places, the penalty is a monetary fine or jail time. However in Yemen, Mauritania, Sudan, Saudi Arabia, UAE, and Iran the penalty is death. That’s legal – not including the abuse you will likely suffer if you are revealed to be gay to the general populace.

Yes, the government has kinks. For one, the Conservative party. Stephen Harper. Our environmental policy could be leagues better, and we need to get our fucking armies our of other countries. Yes, Canada has done some things that no Canadian should be proud of (ie, the mining and displacement of people in Guatamala, the war in Afghanistan, etc). But that by far does not represent the majority of Canada or Canadians. Most of Canada does not want to fight a war. Most Canadians are moral, conscious people who want Canada to be seen as a place of beauty, freedom, pride. I am not going to subscribe to some ‘white person guilt’ because of the happenstance of where I was born. I could have just as easily been born a poor street child in Nairobi. I feel blessed that I grew up with food on the table and a roof over my head. I got to go to school and be educated. I have the option to go to post secondary as many times as I like (provided I have the funds).

Try and fight for the things you believe in, and try and change policy for things you care about. Peaceful protest and talking to the MPs is a good start. Hell, voting is a good start. Sitting back and bitching, complaining that Canada sucks is not progressive or in any way helpful. If you don’t like it, leave. We don’t want you anyway.

I despise people who think communism is the be all and end all and are using it as a way to be ~edgy as fuck~, but don’t know much beyond what they’ve read in their ‘manifestos’. They are incredibly sheltered, and often do not practice what they preach. Nine times outta ten, they have never encountered fascism or oppression in their lives.

Because communism is working so well for North Korea, am I right?

I always feel like I need to shed skin at this time of year. Sometimes I feel like I shed too much, but in the end it always ends up being for the best.

I just removed about 10 or 12 people on Facebook that, for whatever reason, I had on my list. Either classmates I never spoke to or hung out with, or classmates that decided that I wasn’t worth their time (which is fine), or people I met a few times who added me. It’s odd to look at the ebb and flow of people in my life. The folks that are in, and then out again, like a boat with the tides. People who choose prestige and status over friendship.

I’ve been more crafty lately – making little bits and bobs. I keep my hands and brain busy while I wait for my answer from NSCAD so that I don’t think too much into it. I’m trying to only think positive thoughts (and now is the good time to laugh, because I am hopelessly negative), which is a challenge in itself.

I’ve also been more clumsy lately. I’ve hurt my ankle numerous times, pulled my back and chest once, and (the most recent offense) dropped a hot pyrex dish full of bread pudding on to myself (piping out of the oven, folks) – resulting in first and second degree burns on one leg and multiple bruises on my pelvis which are just starting to bloom. Yes, I said the pelvis. I can’t catch worth shit with my hands, but throw it to my crotch and the bitch is jumping to catch it.

Does that make me a slut?

Anyway.

I’m trying to shed old habits, old friends, and things that no longer hold meaning for me.

So here I am, at 2:30am, shedding my skin.

I am attempting to inject some positivity in my life.

I’ve applied to school, and am trying to remain positive. I am trying to attract positive things into my life. Things get hard, and I get angry – and I cannot do that anymore.

4 times in the last week I have pulled the same card from my tarot deck – release. I am trying to figure out if I need to release that anger, to release something else, or to be released. At times I really feel something clouding my judgement and mind, but I try to push past it to get to the clarity I know is hidden in there.

I am trying to plan something fun coming up, because I feel if I don’t hang out with someone I don’t live with, I am going to go mad. I get discouraged, mostly, because I am finding more and more that people are unreliable and just … different than I expected. It really disappoints me, because I want to see the best in people, but it’s hard when people let you down. Maybe I just need an injection of new people or ideas into my life.

I feel the need to be inspired.

I used to be the queen of being alone. In fact, I had no problem and often preferred the company of myself to others. I could go out for the day to the park, or the beach, or the mall and be perfectly fine. I would have a great time.

Now, I find, I am lonely when I am alone. I actually prefer the company of others. I like being able to talk to other people and spend time listening to others. I actually have a hard time dealing with being alone. My aversion to being alone has most manifested itself on Twitter, which has become an outlet for me to talk to someone, anyone…

I also have a terrible habit of automatically thinking people are blowing me off when they have other plans – like they’re making excuses. I guess I’ve had a lot of people do that to me in the past, but it really doesn’t happen often now. Even so, I find that thought is the first place my mind goes. It drives me mad, because I can’t stop that feeling, hard as I try. I just end up feeling dejected and hurt – all at my own fault.

The majority of my days off are spent alone. Dave sleeps throughout the day, and Drew is at work. I sit in front of the computer, looking for some conversation, some interaction to keep me from feeling like I have such a terrifying personality that people don’t want me around. Today is a fine example. It is butthorn hot out there, and I want to go swimming, but it’s like I’m afraid to go alone. Instead, I spent my time researching stuff on schools and surfing the net, feeling like crap because I cannot motivate myself to leave the apartment. The apartment is safe.

I have been enochlophobic for most of my life. I avoid live music, usually, because of all the people. I don’t do bars. It is hard for me to attend events and festivals because of all the people. It makes me anxious and fearful and angry. I want to do all of those things, but I just… can’t. I actually dislike the thought of going to a university with large class sizes because of the idea of all those hundreds of people crammed into a room. Ugh.

And my social life suffers.

All I need to do today is leave the house. I need to shower and go to the library to return books. As much as I would love to go to the beach, I don’t drive and lack a vehicle. No buses go to the beach. I could walk from the end of Cow Bay Rd to Rainbow Haven, but it’d take about an hour, and there are no sidewalks.

View Larger Map

I’ll go to the pool tonight with Drew and Dave. It’s an adult only swim, not too many people.

But for now, I just need to force myself to leave the house.

I found these videos via a forum I frequent. As someone who society considers a big ol’ fatty, watching them made me feel empowered and happy. I hope that out there, it helps someone else too.

Thank you, Joy Nash.

So yeah. I’ve spent the last 3 weeks in odd fluctuations of poor health.

I went camping in Cape Breton at the end of June. I had a lot of fun and took some great photos. I also got devoured by bugs. Bugs really like me.

One of said bug bites (what bug, I don’t know) got infected with 24 hours of my return to Halifax. It swelled up like a balloon and provided me with the displeasure of the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. I could barely walk and was, at some points, hysterically sobbing with pain. So, I went to a walk in clinic and got medication – which happens to be the same stuff they give for malaria and staph infections. I was required to take these large pills 4x per day for 10 days.

And that medication provided me with a mosaic of horrible side effects. Without going into too much detail, most things that I suffered were almost the opposite of what the expected side effects were.

And then I woke up this morning, with only 2 days left of pills, covered in hives. My legs, the backs of my arms, and my entire front chest. Over the course of the day they spread.

I went to the doctor (again) – this time my actual doctor. He told me to stop the pills, to double my normal dose of Reactin, and come back and see him Wednesday.

I am miserable and covered in calamine lotion. I have taken a baking soda bath, a black tea bath, and I’m about to down some peppermint tea in hopes of feeling human again.

I really hope that I wake up tomorrow NOT dead. Or itchy. 3 weeks of itchy is starting to get old.

I know that inevitably, change is a good thing.

It often doesn’t feel that way when it happens, instead sending people into darker places they might have forgotten to visit recently. I have always thought it is important to embrace the darker things about ourselves – the things we sweep under the rug and avoid until the bump becomes big enough to trip over.

I have recently ended a friendship. I think it was, by far, one of the easiest and hardest things I have ever done. I think that I was prepared for it, but I still mourn it with a tang of newness and surprise. I maintain that it is ‘for the best’ – you know, the things mothers tell their heartbroken daughters when their first crush rejects them for the cheerleader with the ample bosom – but that doesn’t mean it isn’t hard to adjust to. When you welcome someone into your life to learn from and to learn from you, you always hope for and expect the best. I do not trust easily, so this makes this even harder than for most, even though it was ‘for the best’.

How did I know when to end it?

Much like any relationship, you need to look at it with pros and cons. What are you getting out of your friendship? A friend should make you feel wanted, needed, and special. When the cons start to outweigh the pros, you need to approach the person and try and fix it. Failing that, sometimes it is just better to cut things off before they end even worse. Over the past 7 years, things have progressed from a tentative trust to a full-blown trust, back to a hurtful betrayal. I simply weighed my options, and decided that if I was going to be as mentally healthy as I could be, I could not let someone who was doing harm to my self worth be a part of my life.

What were the grievous offenses?

- showing no respect to me as a woman, to the point of being sexist and almost misogynistic.
- alluding to the fact that they thought I was fat and ugly, no less than 3 times in the past 6 months (and multiple times in the years before that)
- breaking plans with no notice and no notification, thus wasting my time, repeatedly
- no remorse for actions done, regardless of admitted wrong
- treating women as worthless in general, even though it has been expressed multiple times by multiple women that this is wrong
- doesn’t care that I have ended the friendship (really, that’s the kicker)

But, of course, there have to be pros:

- generous with time and money
- similar interests
- close understanding
- supportive about school

To me, it just didn’t add up.

I am still grieving. To me, it feels as though someone had died – and it some ways, it is that way. The person I knew is dead. People are ever changing.

I know that I am not the easiest person to get along with, nor am I everyone’s cup of tea. I have a strong personality that can be overwhelming at times. Beyond that first impression, I am a good person. I am funny and kind and supportive. I like listening to people talk. To say that I have never done wrong would be ludicrous. But I function enough as a normal person to know when I have trampled over that line into ‘no’ territory.

I have my memories of good times, fun, and tears. I will remember the platonic love I once had for this person and will hold it dear, like a long dead relative.

And I will grieve for this. I will slide into the darker bits, and I will get through this. I will move on.

I am a straight man, with a big gay chip on my shoulder.

The support of legalizing gay marriage is in no way meant to change the ideals of the section of Christians who believe that homosexuality is a sin. But we should refuse to let other people’s ideals shape the way we live our lives. Each of us has a short ride on this earth and as long as we stay in our lane, and don’t affect someone else’s ride, we should be allowed to drive as we see fit.

The Big, Gay chip on my shoulder

Fucking sing it, brother.

Prop 8 was not amended. People need to wake the fuck up. There are only 7 countries in this world that allow gay folks the same legal rights and freedoms (including marriage) that I have. And I am so proud to be living in one of them (for reference, they are Canada, Sweden, Norway, South Africa, Spain, Belgium, and the Netherlands).

Gay is not a choice, or a lifestyle. It is a natural evolution – for animals and people.

I am also straight, with a huge gay chip on my shoulder.

At my age, there is no reason for me to waste time on things that aren’t working.

I cleared my physical stuff out earlier this month. There is some lingering bits but most of the unnecessary clutter is gone. In a couple months. I will no longer have scholastic clutter (for the time being) and I will have graduated from a post secondary institution.

I am practically breathing frustration. A lot of people in my life are under a lot of stress, and it is negatively impacting on everyone else. I spent the majority of today in a foul mood from picking up on everyone else’s foul mood.

I am just so tired of everything. Of not being able to properly mourn my great uncle. Of not being able to go to Montreal. Of being poor and frustrated. Of having no one understand me (or even try to). Of being alone and forgotten, like a once loved dress at the back of a closet.

I just want to move far away and never have to talk to people again.

They say that the trials make life worth living… do they really?

A person who I consider to be a good friend recently alluded to the fact that they think I am fat twice in the last week. Both times we were in some manner of shop.

Well, thanks. I really appreciate when people point out my flaws while I’m in a public place.

Let’s face facts, folks: I am not a skinny girl. I never was, and I think it would take me being very ill to become so. I come from hardy stock – my mother, grandmother, great grandmother, etc are/were all pear shaped. I inherited the unfortunate trait of carrying most of my weight on my stomach. I am comfortable with having meat on my bones. I know I could be thinner, but I don’t usually worry about it too much because I know I am healthy. I exercise, I eat well – not a lot of greasy crap and lots of fruits/veg. I tend to gain around 10 pounds in the winter, and lose it all by summer from walking, hiking, cycling.

However, that does not give someone the right to insult me. I have serious self esteem issues and yes, it does bother me when people say cruel things to me. Things that should be thought but not said. I can’t read minds, so I don’t give a flying fuck what people are thinking. This person seems to lack the ability to filter what they are thinking, and they do not think what they say is wrong. Ever. If I want someone’s opinion on my weight, I will ask them for it. Hell, if I want someone’s opinion about anything to do with my personal appearance, I will ask. Criticism of my genetics is not welcomed.

And yes, before people get all ‘you should talk to them!’ on me, I have tried. It is rather like talking to brick wall. I don’t think this person actually respects me enough to be concerned with how they hurt me. They tend to avoid, ignore, pretend nothing happened, and hope it’ll go away. And this keeps happening, again and again. I feel like I’m in some kind of abusive relationship – hoping they’ll change, knowing they never will, but going back for more abuse. As someone who HAS been in an abusive relationship, it definitely feels like it all over again.

I am very tired of toxic people in my life. I’m good at talking myself into being depressed and suicidal, thanks. I don’t really need anyone’s help.

Is it too much to want my friends to respect me?